Here's to a Better Me.

It's been a pretty good week so far.  I'm adjusting fairly well to my new contact lens, I got my new glasses and love them and had a terrifically enlightening appointment with my regular Doctor. 

The problem with my new glasses is that I like them so well, I didn't wear my contact for 2 days!  Heh.  So that 'set me back' on my adjustment period a bit.  I went with Chuck yesterday for his eye exam (to make sure he didn't leave with dorky new glasses, LOL) and I talked to her about the difficulty with reading the computer.  She said she could adjust the prescription, but that she set it for regular reading and I decided I would leave it as is.  I'll just do most of my computing in the AM before I put in my contact, and in the evening after I take it out.  Or, maybe I'll simply adjust.  For all other applications, it's totally awesome!  Now I just have to break the habit of grabbing my chest every time I go to read something {since I've worn my glasses on a chain around my neck for the last 4 or 5 years!}.

As for my Doctor appointment....I went to see him thinking that I maybe needed to go back on Premarin (HRT).  I haven't written about it.....but, hell, I haven't written much of anything in so long it's ridiculous.  Part of the reason is the old "snoopy reader/prying eyes" thing, but I don't think there's anyone reading me anymore that I don't want here, and if there is.......tough noogies.

I think I wrote about going OFF Premarin many months ago, in my old blog {the one that got swallowed up into the blogoshere), but that did happen not long before my surgery (which was March 30th).  He figured that since I had been on it for 10 years, he wanted me to think about going off it and see what resulted.  I joked at the time that if I grew a mustache I was going right back on it, but that never happened so I didn't give anything else much thought.

Shortly thereafter, I was caught up in the whirlwind of preparing for, having and recovering from my Spinal Fusion Surgery.  Between the various and severe pain involved, the emotional drama induced by being slapped in the face with limitations that I couldn't have fathomed and the whole process in general......let's suffice to say that I have been a train wreck for a very long time!  Now that I am 7 months post-op and am {sorta} feeling a bit like my old self {sometimes}, even tho' it is too soon to know exactly what my permanent limitations will be.....I'm just not happy with where I am right now.  Here's a peek into a Day in the Life of Yankeechick.

Well, mayhaps I won't do that.  Let me just say that I have been having horrendous mood swings and have been SO emotional that I have been making myself crazy, as well as a couple of my dear friends that have to deal with me on a daily basis....neither of whom I will talk to about what my problem is, because most of the time I don't even know myself.  Or, even worse....I DO know, and it's so ridiculous and petty that I'm ashamed to admit it.  {which of course makes me more emotional}.  My anxiety levels are off the charts, partially due to putting so much energy into trying to suppress and hide my feelings.  I spend so much time doing that, even when I'm by myself, that I can't make myself do anything else.  I don't even call my babies or lovely daughter, because I know I'll hang up the phone and literally cry for hours.  All I do is cry.  When I'm not crying, I am pissed off at the world.  And I mean PISSED.  One of my friends is like my own personal little punching bags and why this person puts up with me, I have no idea. 

In addition to all that, there have been mini hot flashes {more like 'flushes'}, night sweats, not sleeping and the worst thing (along with the uncontrollable emotions) is not wanting to do ANYthing.  No quilting, no knitting, no reading.  I can't stand sitting in the house, so I drive into town with a list of several things to do....and then don't wanna do them.  So I drive.  Driving helps.  I like to drive.  One day I just kept driving and found myself halfway across Missouri before I snapped out of it. 

Do I sound totally crazy or what?  "Unstable" is the word that keeps popping into my head.  Not so, says Dr. H.  He began to analyze my history with my anti-depressants.  He had switched me from Zoloft to Cymbalta about a year ago or more.  The transition went well, but it still wasn't cutting it.  The usual dose of Cymbalta is 30 or 60 mg.  He had me on 60, which is pretty much the max.  I knew someone that was taking 90, however and it was extremely helpful, so he agreed to give me 90 and try that.  It was a huge success!  Until the samples he gave me ran out.  You see, my insurance doesn't cover Cymbalta and it runs about $350 for 30 pills.  I found a Discount RX place on line that I joined and I can get my 60mg at Walgreens for $135.  BUT the price for 30 of the 30mg to add to the 60mg is $335.00.  That didn't fly with a certain person in this house.....so after going thru hell for a few days after the 2 times I did get it filled, I finally just dropped back to taking 60mg and figured it would be better than nothing.

Anyway, Dr. H was thinking that I had been doing better on Zoloft than on the 90mg of Cymbalta and maybe I should switch back.  So, I confessed my story about the Cymbalta and it all became very clear to him, because he was amazed that it wasn't helping me more.  He also said that all of my symptoms went along with the depression and he really didn't think my hormones were involved here at all.  He left the room and came back in with a bag full of samples of the 30mg.  3 months worth to be exact.  Of course, I started crying....and he started laughing!  He said, "I'll take care of you.  You've been going thru too much for too long and it's high time you got feeling better.".  So I thanked him profusely, but then asked him what would I do at the end of 3 months.  He said, you come back and see me to check your progress and we do this again.  Simple.

What a guy.  And so.....I am well on my way to getting my life back and to being ME again.  Being a better mother, grandmother, friend and wife (even if I'm not worth an extra $350 a month, LOL.) I shouldn't say that because I'm sure if I wasn't so emotional (which he hates) I could explain it and make him understand that it's not "all in my head".  But now I don't have to :). 

Now.....if I can find a Maine Coon cat, life will be good!