I Need A Pep Talk

I really do, but I don't suppose any of you can help me. 

Today I am feeling extremely negative about a multitude of things.  Mainly involving my defective body.  I'm tired.  Tired of feeling like a mere shadow of my former self.  The self that used to always be so physically active; riding my King Quad 4-wheeler across the tundra, up mountains, down mountains, thru mud flats for hours on end.  The self that helped pour concrete, build trusses, hang sheet rock and whatever else it took to help build houses.  The self that used to run and play with her grandchildren, swinging them thru the air, piggy back rides, riding bikes, running thru the rain.  The self that was just getting comfortable enough with her sweet Susie to ride across a field with wild abandon, giving Susie her head and letting my own head be blown free of all thoughts except the delightful freedom one can only experience with a trusted and loyal friend such as she.

Some days I sit here and wish I had never had my surgery.  Other days, I write how glad I am that I did and today I look back on that entry and wonder WTF was I thinking that day.  Days like today, I want my freakin life back!  I do not feel grateful for anything.  It has been almost 6 months and just when things seem to be getting better and just when I realize that I can do something that I haven't been able to do for a long time, something 'new' develops that just throws me for a loop.

I started out pretty good today.  At least I was up until about an hour ago.  We had just had a serious rain shower, which we are in desperate need of.  It had about stopped when I went to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee.  I had just finished scrubbing one of the bathrooms, fresh and clean with just me and my bucket of bleach water.  I was feeling pleased that I had accomplished that for the first time in eons.  I scrubbed the tile floor, the door, the tile on the walls (it runs half way up and there is wall paper on the top half) and the vanity.  The muscles in my back protested a bit, but I'm okay with that.  THAT is to be expected, especially because I'm still not supposed to be doing things quite so exuberantly. So.....while getting my coffee, I looked out the kitchen window and saw the most hysterical sight!  It was Dixie's butt, up in the air.  She was on her knees, in the fresh mud, stretching her neck under the fence trying to get to some weeds on the other side.  I grabbed my camera and away I went.  She heard me, and of course got up.  Didn't matter.  Halfway to the fence, my left leg suddenly went out from under me and down I went.  Thankfully, I kept the Nikon tucked safely under my arm and it didn't go flying thru the mud and grass!  Well, I landed on my knees....cursed myself for not staying focused on my walking and got back up.  Stood there for a minute and looked at Dixie as she peered sheepishly at me over the fence.  OMG!  Her whole face, from her ears to down under her chin, was covered with mud!  As were her legs from her knees down.  Lucky me, I took a couple steps before pulling my camera out from the safety of my underarm, because down I went again.  Then I was pissed.  Came back in the house, wiped myself off and here I am.

This has been going on for.....oh, about 3 weeks or so.  Much leg pain in general, but also this crap of having one or both legs just go out from under me.  I will feel a sharp pain in the front of my leg, like someone stuck a big ass hat pin in the front of the joint and boom....the old leg wants to give out!  Sometimes it only happens once; sometimes it is only one leg; sometimes it is both and sometimes it just keeps on keeping on!  Since the first part of my Physical Therapy involved me learning how to walk properly again, I have been 'trained' to remain pretty well focused on every step I take, so I really haven't 'gone down' until today.  Before I started this entry, I Googled "leg problems post lumbar fusion".  During the past 6 months I have Googled many things relating to my surgery and each time it amazes me at what I find.  There is always good and bad.  And you all know how it is when you Google something.  One page leads to another and another, until you've actually covered several different issues different from, but still related to, your original Google.  Today I read a lot about 'nerves healing' and 'nerve damage'........again.  But I did find out that a lot of people have similar issues after this surgery.  I also found out that sometimes it is due to "failed" surgery and they have to have it redone.  It is also sometimes due to permanent nerve damage occurring at the time of surgery.  But, hey!  They have pills for that!  Fuck me.  Some people have it and as they continue to heal {which we must remember, boys and girls...this will take up to 12 months!} it does go away.  And on and on the possibilities go.......beCAUSE........everyone is different!!!! 

I don't wanna be different!  I don't wanna live with pain any more!!  I WANT TO BE ABLE TO MOVE FREELY ABOUT THE CABIN OF LIFE LIKE I USED TO!!!!!!!!!!

So many times I have started to write a post like this and either deleted it or just never started it.  I think of some of my friends that have gone through so much worse.  SO much worse!  Like our dear K-Lo and sweet Purple Chai.  I think of them and then I look at myself and wonder who the hell am I to complain about what trivial shit I am going through?!?!  But....today, I am complaining.  And I am in no way undermining what these brave and courageous, beautiful women have dealt (and are dealing) with.  I guess I just need to have my stinking pity party, once and for all.  I sit too long, and I hurt.  I walk too long, and I hurt.  I stand too long (like 30 seconds) and I hurt.  WTF??????  I will get up out of my chair after sitting here writing this and my back will hurt and I will have to walk probably 20 or 30 feet before I can straighten up....maybe.  Maybe not.  I never know.  I'm already getting achy from sitting this long, so I'll finish up and go put a load of laundry in the dryer and load the dishwasher and then I'll need to sit again....only in a different chair.

Good God! That is certainly quite enough whining for one day, what say?  All I can do is muddle along until the 29th when I finally have my 6 month check up with the Surgeon.  At that point I will know, most importantly, if the fusion has 'taken' and if all is healing properly.........or not. And if these leg problems will go away.....or not.  If not, just shoot me, because I will NOT have  another surgery!!!!  NEVER!!